There’s no returning to the past

Feb 12 2008 The Journal

Paul Dixon has been following Newcastle United for more than 35 years, 16 of which have been as a season ticket holder in the Gallowgate End at St James’s Park. Each week in his column, he takes a wry look at all things football – from a black-and-white perspective.

“GOOD morning, this is Mick Lowes reporting from the ‘Y I Yabugga’ stadium in Kyoto. I must say at the beginning, that my usual commentary will have the odd sponsor’s advert, due to contractual obligations with today’s Mcmatch sponsors.

“The Mcteams are being introduced, as we speak, to the new President of Premier league (Asia) – Mr Ronald McDonald. There has been some criticism of the Golden Arches replacing the traditional goal posts, but these fears have been allayed by new Fifa president – Ronald McDonald (jnr).

“Today’s Mcmatch features Newcastle against Middlesbrough, this replaces the advertised fixture of Man Utd v Liverpool, who have been offered an even vaster amount . . . er, I mean, who will be playing for the prestigious ‘King Fahd’s grandson’s 18th birthday Trophy’ in Riyadh.

“Newcastle will be playing in a changed strip of Orange (away) wigs, while Boro will be wearing Red tartan shorts and Green waistcoats.

“The conditions today are humid, so we can expect the McBall to swerve in the air. The Mcstadium is filling nicely as we approach kick-off, although apart from a few hundred Toon and Boro tourists who’ve sold all their worldly goods to be here, the crowd appear to be predominantly in McMan Utd shirts.

“Locals say that they wear them whoever they watch. Both managers have taken the precaution of resting key players for the important January fixtures back home, but it will give supporters a chance to cheer on old favourites like John Tudor, Frank Clark, Bernie ‘It’s my own hair, really’ Slaven, and John Hickton, who all start.

“I’m joined this afternoon, not by my usual summariser John Anderson, but by Mr Vincenzo ‘Knuckles’ Carlucci the Fifa official contractual obligation (product placement) overseer, who will ensure that the endorsements of the 125 match co-sponsors, are given appropriate air time during my commentary.”

Am I the only one who is harbouring a forlorn hope that the football business implodes, and it all reverts back to amateur status?

The inclusion of Charles ‘Charlie’ Charles from the Harry Enfield sketch, would certainly be an improvement on Joey Barton. Although, maybe the old days are on their way back as we’re in another relegation battle.

Finally, am I the only one who thought Sharia Law was an England footballer’s girlfriend?

blackadderboy@yahoo.co.uk