Parents advised to stop striving for perfection

Oct 2 2008 The Journal

PARENTS should stop trying to be perfect, North East researchers said yesterday. The pressure to create an “ideal family” was driving parents to despair and creating a generation of spoilt children, the Newcastle University experts said.

Their study found that Government-funded parenting classes could be adding to the problem by seeking to impose a “one-size-fits-all” solution on troubled families.

Educational psychologist Dr Liz Todd said many parents felt inadequate when it came to caring for their children.

Dr Todd explained: “There are lots of different ways of ‘doing family’. If we were to realise this, instead of worrying about whether we’re a good parent or have a functional family, then life would be much easier.

“Instead of trying to attain something which might not be right for our situation, we could look at how we personally approach parenting and why it’s important to do it that way, rather than pitch ourselves against some ideal of what a family should be.”

She warned that Government-funded parenting classes could do more harm than good. Instead, she suggested certain families should be offered professional help to learn how their problems were stopping them from living up to their own ideals.

“Parenting classes can be useful by helping parents bond with other families and network, but it’s hard to see how teaching the same thing to everyone will help individuals solve their own problems with their children,” she said.

“We should work with families with humility, respect, care and the intent to develop a collaborative working relationship, where listening is the key.

“We as professionals need to talk to families in ways that are non-blaming, non-judgmental and acknowledge that people are experts in their own lives.

“Each family has the skills, commitment and abilities they need to reduce the impact of problems in their lives. It’s our job to help influence their choices, not tell them what they should do.”

Dr Todd’s colleague, Dr Joell Yoeli, said the pressure to conform to society’s ideals led people to blow their problems out of proportion.

“We cannot escape the family – it can be both a prison and a springboard,” said Dr Yoeli, who works both with the NHS and Newcastle University.

“When a child is born, so is a parent. Today’s children, rather than being emotionally deprived, are often actually over-indulged, where both parents and children care too much.

“This can cause a chain reaction, where families become their own worst enemies. Any emotional distress can escalate to the point where they blame each other for any problems.”