Your starter for 10 – How do you spot the Pub Quiz Team?

Dec 8 2006 By Bob Cuffe, The Journal

Who are the people it really is best to avoid? The ones you would rather chew your own arm off than spend time with.

I think there's a group - almost entirely men - who we should give the widest of berths to. The Pub Quiz Team.

The home for the socially ill at ease. The whole premise of the event is to stifle normal conversation, and replace it with a microphone barking out questions answered with furtive whisperings.

It's like a night at the police cells, with scratchings. I can stay at home and have a bully shouting questions at me.

When I go out I love to boogie. Jitterbug boogie. I love to boogie. On a Saturday night.

The Quiz Night. They may as well ask for oddities. Which, in a sense, they are. Some quiz teams are fine.

Normal people going out for a beer and a laugh. No - I'm not kidding anyone. No one normal goes to a quiz night regularly.

You're not allowed to laugh. You have to listen. But there are some worse than others. Quiz nights are ideal social events for Long Married Folk.

As those of us who have been in the cycle of depression a while will testify - after several years of marriage you essentially give up. You make no effort whatsoever.

If you were filling in a time and motion study you'd put: "Going through the motions ... marking time ... plodding." Going out with your wife or husband has no appeal at all. What would be the point?. You have absolutely nothing to say to each other. A quiz night can take the pressure off - particularly if you know other similarly disadvantaged people. Then you can argue about the answers all evening.

The blokes can get bladdered, while the wives scientifically prove their superiority, except in sport, which is typical since that's all that's on the television.

Generally, Quiz Teams are populated by people who haven't done well in life, but have picked up information that's been of no help. Whenever a successful person is profiled, and they discuss their hobbies, it's usually cycling, hill walking, and skiing.

I cannot recall a chief executive putting Pub Quiz Team as their preferred choice.

Pub Quizzes attract people who, practically every day, eat beans. I don't really know why I've typed that - but it looks good, so it's staying in.

And every Pub Quiz has the couple of teams who are Playing To Win. These people worry me immensely.

Almost always, they're men. Almost always they look funny. There will be beards, pipes, funny jumpers and brown trousers. Sometimes they have really small, pin-like heads, while others will have staggeringly dreadful comb-overs.

The team captain will carry some professional responsibility, and is either a Neighbourhood Watch secretary or a teacher.

The quiz `is the highlight of his week'. Each team member will have an area of specialism. The fat bloke will be sport. The painfully thin one will be history.

If there is a women, then she'll do television - particularly the soaps. (If that sweeping generalisation doesn't arouse a letter or two, my name isn't Hercules Cuffe).

The Confirmed Bachelor will do science, while The Bloke Who Eats Peanuts does General Knowledge. Civil servants mark themselves out by drinking halves. Anyone from the medical profession will drink like a fish.

The expectations are huge: if it's your chosen subject you need to come up with the goods, otherwise you'll be shunned by the oddities. And these are the only people who will have anything to do with you.

Occasionally there's a disputed answer. This is what the captain dreams off. His moment in the sun. Quiz Teams should really get out more - but not just to go to a quiz. Perhaps they should go to the beach. And stay there.

Anyone going to defend the unholy practice? Anyone got photos of quiz teams?

robert.cuffe@btinternet.com