Why logic is a banned word at Newcastle

Nov 25 2008 The Journal

Paul Dixon has been following Newcastle United for more than 35 years, 16 of which have been as a season ticket holder in the Gallowgate End at St James’s Park. Each week in his column, he takes a wry look at all things football – from a black-and-white perspective.

WITHOUT being arrogant, I had a feeling we’d at least avoid defeat at Chelsea on Saturday. I can’t back that feeling up with precedent or form, but similar to a regular curry eater, I had a gut feeling.

How can you explain it? Last week we huffed and puffed against 10-man Inter Wigan, and couldn’t even defend against Titus Bramble. This week we went to a team with probably the best home record in professional football, and defended superbly for a draw.

Even their manager, Gene Hackman, gave us a back-handed compliment! Logically, that performance should set us up nicely for our trip to tropical Teesside. They will be reeling from a home defeat to brutish Bolton, but logic isn’t what Newcastle do.

This fixture will, of course, bring together a young pretender against a wizened old professional, the Robert Peston against the John Sergeant if you will. Yes, It’s the Dixon-Cuffe derby!

Two honed gladiators presenting their champions to a baying, skirt wearing, sandal-shod audience (the Newcastle supporters will be topless).

Shola versus Afonso, Stewart versus Damien! Let battle commence. To the victor – a bath with Cameron Diaz, to the loser – a bath with Cameron, David.

As expected, the promise of an announcement about Lot 1892, after the Chelsea game were ill-founded, and JFK gets another month’s unexpected wages. The misinformation emanating from the club is now bewildering.

The banker handling the sale talks a deal up one day, and changes the next, the prospective buyers are Americans; no they aren’t according to them.

Shearer’s name get’s mentioned every time JFK’s month comes to an end, usually by JFK himself. The deal is weeks away, the deal is months away, there will be money to spend in January, there won’t be money to spend.

Once Noel Edmonds has flogged Deal or No Deal to death, he could make another career doing irritating, lightweight quiz shows in our boardroom. Whoever owns the club in January – Mike Ashley or Hiram J Cheeseburger III, it is quite obvious that we need players brought in.

At least JFK has identified some targets, and to be honest, loan deals are the best we can expect. I hope I’m mulling that over in a bath with Cameron Diaz this weekend.

blackadderboy@yahoo.co.uk