When Michelle Holmes had a nervous breakdown, regular exercise became a lifeline on her road to recovery. The County Durham mum-of-two talks to KAREN WILSON in the first of a two-part series on how exercise can help alleviate depression
YOU don’t wear your pants on the outside of your trousers. That’s a saying Michelle Holmes likes to remember as she struggles with what’s often described as Superwoman syndrome.
Michelle’s story will be familiar to many during the recession who find themselves overworked, doing the jobs of several people and trying to juggle too many balls.
As a training manager involved with a massive project, Michelle’s proficiency was, in effect, her downfall as more and more responsibilities came her way.
“I was working 72-hour weeks and travelling all over the country,” says Michelle, 43, from Woodstone Village, County Durham. “In essence I was doing the work of five people. No one could have managed with that amount of strain.
“I was exhausted and I couldn’t switch off. I would only get two hours sleep because I was waking up in the night. I was having to get up at 4.30am for early-morning flights.”
Not wanting to let anyone down or feel a failure, Michelle struggled on. “I found it very difficult to say no,” she says. “Although I’d asked for help, I wasn’t asking loud enough. I wasn’t being pushy enough.”
Even during her summer holiday in Norfolk, Michelle couldn’t switch off and had to visit a doctor for tranquillisers to help her sleep. “I was sending really long text messages to colleagues about work,” she says.
Then in September 2010 Michelle finally reached breaking point and had a nervous breakdown, which led to six months off sick. “I couldn’t cope with life, even normal things,” she explains.
“I couldn’t even go out of the house on my own or take my elderly mam out shopping. Normally I’m on the go all the time but depression shuts down your body.
“Even the smallest of tasks exhausted me. It would take me all day to make one meal and I normally have parties for up to 30 people.”
Michelle admits things got so bad she even formulated a suicide plan. “At the beginning you feel like you’re never going to get better. You feel so desolate,” she says. “I walked to the motorway one day and sat thinking if I just ran out, the way that I’m feeling would be finished.
“I would rather have been dead than have to go back into work. When you’re at that point, you don’t actually tell people. It wasn’t until I’d been in counselling for a few weeks that I could admit it.”
The fallout for Michelle’s family was difficult to deal with too, especially for husband David, a BT engineer. “David was constantly checking up on me,” says Michelle. “He was worried I wouldn’t be there when he came home from work.”
The couple’s children Amy, 14, and Matthew, 12, also suffered. “Usually I’m the one who keeps things together but I got really snappy with the children. The smallest transgression and I would go off it.”
Thankfully Michelle was offered counselling through her employer, which she credits with getting her back on track.
The counsellor gave her lots of coping mechanisms, helped her to see the bigger picture and learn how to say no.
“You feel guilty because you’re saying no to the person asking,” she says. “But you need to think I’m not letting my boss down, it’s the business who are asking her, and is their request realistic?”