To the core of my grumpiness

May 23 2008 by Bill Oldfield, The Journal

A USED-to-be friend recently bought me the book, Grumpy Old Men. Why, I don’t know, as I’m the epitome of sweetness and light and go through life like a child skipping through a field of daisies.

Apart from when I hear news like, during a credit crisis resulting in money being well nigh impossible to borrow by the mortal man, that the Government just goes and borrows £2.7bn, using you and me as security, to cover up its own mistake in abolishing the 10p tax band.

But then as an aside why, can you tell me, did they go and give the resulting £110 annual tax reduction to everybody? Do the likes of Richard Branson really need the extra money?

But apart from things like that, I grump very infrequently. Unless, of course, pushed by the news that the Government actually considered raising the minimum wage as a way of making up for their 10p mistake. Thus pushing the load on to employers such as ourselves. No, as you can see, very little gets my blood pressure up. Apart, that is, from those stupid little bits of paper that are stuck on to apples to satisfy the whim of some meddling bureaucrat who’s never grown, picked, packed, shopped for or cooked in his – and it will be a “his” – life.

I was eating an apple while driving the other day which is, of course, nowadays a crime, when one of these things got stuck to my teeth. Throwing the apple out of the window was another crime, as was spitting repeatedly after it trying to unstick the glue, as well as veering from one side of the road to the other.

I was trying to take the Government’s advice and get my five fruit and veg a day while rushing to generate enough money to pay our staff to raise those extra taxes to pay for the Government’s mistakes. And why do we have to label apples anyway?

The doctor says I have to calm down. Who’s wound up? Not me. I sleep like a baby – with wind and a wet nappy. I’m never grumpy. Never, that is, until I read that, in the UK, we waste £10bn worth of food each year; £10bn! In a time of world food shortages and other disasters where millions are dying needlessly, that’s the real crime. And interestingly, it equates to over £150 each man, woman and child; not all of whom are taxpayers. More than enough to compensate for the Government’s most recent mistake, as well as feed millions who desperately need it.

We’ve obviously lost the plot. Now why on earth should I be grumpy?